Pizza Hut vs. Domino’s will go down alongside Magic Johnson vs. Larry Bird, Iggy Azalea vs. Azealia Banks, and Delta Airlines vs. Ann Coulter as one of history’s all-time great rivalries.

In 2016, the two chains made up 69% (nice) of the total gross sales of the top 10 pizza companies combined. You can waste your breath boosting Papa John’s, or Little Caesar’s, or Blaze all you want, but this was and always will be a two-horse race. 

When the impending nuclear holocaust finally happens and all Earth’s natural resources are controlled by fast-food chains in a proto-feudalist society, you’ll need to pick a side to fight for. So I am.

I’m coming into this thing completely neutral—the Switzerland of entirely manufactured pizza-chain pissing contests. The only thing I care about when ordering cheap delivery pizza is whose coupons were most recently in my mailbox. There is nothing to cloud my judgment.

There are a couple ground rules for the comparison. I wanted to do my pizza analysis in the most natural environment possible, which meant it had to be delivered. I appreciate that Pizza Hut pioneered the fast-food pizza buffet, but only a sociopath would eat a sit-down meal at Pizza Hut in 2017. Delivery and take-out account for more than 76% of the total pizza market for a reason.

“When the impending nuclear holocaust finally happens and all Earth’s natural resources are controlled by fast-food chains in a proto-feudalist society, you’ll need to pick a side to fight for. So I am.”

Rather than order a pizza straight up, I went to the online coupons section for both places and scoped out the best deals that would still be easily comparable. You should never pay full price for a fast-food pizza. Domino’s had two large two-topping pizzas for $19.99 total, and Pizza Hut had two large two-topping pizzas for $7.99 each. Those are both good deals.

Choosing which crust to go with was tricky, but I feel I made the right call. I chose pan pizza for Pizza Hut, and hand-tossed for Domino’s, both because those were the respective default choices on each chain’s website, and those are each chain’s core competencies. You go to Taco Bell, you get a crunchy taco; you go to Pizza Hut, you get a pan pizza. Everyone knows that. Plus, Domino’s only added pan pizza to the menu in 2012, and it only comes in medium, and ordering a medium pizza is stupid. Like, it’s 80% crust at that point.

As far as toppings go, the main comparison had to be straight pepperoni vs. pepperoni. I should not have to explain or defend this. I don’t even like pepperoni all that much—sausage gang or die—but, come on, it’s pizza.

We’re not trying to reinvent the wheel, but it would also be in bad form to ignore the newer, more foodie-facing innovations. So, for the second pizza that would satisfy the coupon, I decided to pick sauces and toppings using this super rad Random Thing Picker. God of internet randomness chose ham and jalapeno with BBQ sauce. Pizza Hut’s offering will be served with a pretzel crust, because apparently that exists now. The wildcard pizza will act as a tiebreaker if that situation shall arise.

Let’s get weird and analyze a few $8 pizzas more than any $8 pizza should ever rightfully be analyzed.

A pan-pizza, hand-tossed Battle Royale. 

If you told me the ‘za artists at Pizza Hut popped open industrial-sized tubes of Pillsbury Grands biscuit dough and rolled them into circly bits before throwing sauce, cheese, and pork coins on top, I’d have no reason to think you were lying. And, depending on how you feel about Pillsbury Grands biscuits—you should feel pretty fucking good about them, though—this is a compliment. The crust is buttery, and billowy, and cloud-like, and if you left it in your mouth for like 15 seconds, I’m pretty sure it would dissolve. If you don’t have teeth, Pizza Hut is the way to go. It by no means resembles anything close to a pizza crust, but it’s objectively delicious.

The single defining characteristic of pizza crust is that glorious, glutenous chew. Your teeth sink into the cheese, sauce, and pepperoni, and you have to physically rip the slice out of your mouth to finish the bite. Domino’s hits the Platonic ideal deceptively well. There’s a little bit of doughy-ness going on—they’re not trying to do Neapolitan thin crust or anything—but that signature bounce is definitely there. Plus, Domino’s adds garlic seasoning to their crust, which means every slice ends with a mouthful of garlic bread. That’s a pro fucking move right there.

Winner: DOMINO’S

More accurately: tomato paste. 

It doesn’t taste very good, but it’s ok, because there’s not that much of it on the pizza. But it’s not ok because a super thick crust needs more sauce. It’s really a Catch-22. The sauce tastes like burnt tomato paste, probably because it’s mostly burnt tomato paste. According to the ingredients list, at least 98% of the Classic Marinara Sauce is made up of tomato paste, water, and salt, and with the thick crust needing more oven time, that sauce is going to get unpleasantly toasty.

It’s almost identical to Pizza Hut’s sauce, except there’s a bunch of sugar in it—more sugar than salt, actually—which seems like it would be a bad thing, but it’s a great thing. My Italian college roommate used to put a pinch of sugar in his marinara sauce because his grandma said it helps neutralize the acid in the tomatoes, and I won’t stand idly by as you shit on nonna Scategni’s legacy. The sugar works. The sweetness counters the spiciness of the pepperoni, and it’s a beautiful thing.

Winner: DOMINO’S

A highly scientific breakdown of pepperoni. 

Since we just went straight pepperoni vs. pepperoni, and both chains probably get their cured meat discs and mozzarella from the same industrial supplier, I had to get creative to measure the differences between the toppings. So I did very much science. The diameter of Pizza Hut’s large pie is 13 ⅜” and the distance from crust to toppings is 1 ¾”. That means the total topping diameter is 11 ⅝”. Multiply half the diameter by pi and you get a total topping surface area of 106.07” squared. Each pepperoni coin has a diameter of 1 ¼” which gives you a surface area of 1.22” squared. There were 54 pepperoni coins on the pizza meaning the total pepperoni surface area is 66.13” squared. Divide that by the total topping surface area and you’re left with a pepperoni coverage potential of 62.34%. Sabermetrics and pizza: an classic American combo.

Total diameter of the pizza is 13 ⅞”, and the crust-to-topping distance is 1 ⅛”. The topping diameter is 12 ¾” giving you a total topping surface area is 127.67”. Each Domino’s pepperoni coin is also 1.25” in diameter so the surface area is also 1.22” squared. However, Domino’s only gave me 42 pepperonis—those cheap-ass dickfaces—giving a total pepperoni surface area of 51.24” squared.  Divide that by the topping surface area and you get a total pepperoni coverage potential of 40.13%. That is, frankly, trash. Domino’s did have more cheese though. So that’s cool.

Winner: PIZZA HUT

Timing is everything. 

They gave me six packets of crushed red pepper and six packets of parmesan and I felt like I had finally made it in the world. That’s hospitality. That’s the McDonald’s drive-thru cashier tossing six honey mustards into the bag without even a hint of side-eye. Also, Pizza Hut came through with that little white plastic table-looking thing in the middle of the pizza so the top of the box doesn’t fuse to the hot cheese. Pizza Hut’s delivery service made me feel loved. Total cost after a $5 tip was $26.46. The delivery was scheduled for 1:30pm and the delivery person arrived at 1:31pm.

Three packets of crushed red pepper, no packets of parmesan cheese. I’m going to repeat this, in case it slipped by you. NOT ONE GOD DAMNED PARMESAN CHEESE PACKET. Domino’s did this intentionally just to spite me. I’m sure of it. Also, there was no table-looking pizza protector. The pizza didn’t get crushed or anything, but that’s not the point. I want Domino’s to want to protect my pizza, whether or not it needs protecting. The total bill ended up being $30.82. The delivery was scheduled for 1:30pm and the delivery person showed up at 1:32pm, less than 30 seconds behind the Pizza Hut guy. They started talking shit on me in Spanish for getting four large pizzas delivered to me alone on a Tuesday and I deserved it.

Winner: PIZZA HUT

Testing the limits of decency. 

Aesthetically, this was a stunner. The pretzel crust looks like some sort of monstrous county fair creation in the most sexual way, and the BBQ sauce swirl gives you the same tingly feeling you got when you first got a latte with a leaf or a puppy or whatever drawn in the foam. It tasted bad though. The jalapenos were super mushy and flavorless. Swirling the BBQ sauce on top instead of laying down a base left the pizza undersauced. And there was so much salt on the pretzel crust that it ruined my whole day. Still mad about it

Super mangled looking but super delicious. The jalapenos were crisp, acidic, and spicy, just like they should be. The ham was appropriately abundant, as was the sticky sweet BBQ sauce. There was no novelty bullshit applied to the crust because Domino’s doesn’t play like that. This was a fantastic wildcard pizza.

Winner: DOMINO’S

FINAL SCORE: DOMINO'S (3), PIZZA HUT (2)

Domino’s tastes infinitely more like pizza than Pizza Hut, but that doesn’t give Domino’s an automatic victory. The Taco Bell Doctrine states that you mustn’t judge fast-food by its non-fast-food equivalent. It would be objectively false to say that Del Taco is a superior restaurant to Taco Bell because chicken tacos al carbon taste more like legit Mexican street tacos than a Doritos Locos Taco. That said, even when you remove the veil of authenticity, the food still has to taste good. In Pizza Hut’s case, it doesn’t. If you slathered that pillowy, biscuit-y crust in sausage gravy and hot sauce, you’d have a million-dollar dish. But with the weirdly acrid, sparse tomato sauce and underwhelming cheesiness, you’re left with a genuinely disappointing pizza experience.

We can sit here and discuss delivery nuances and pepperoni coverage, but, truly, you know which pizza is better after the first bite. When the salty cheese, spicy pepperoni, sickly sweet sauce, and chewy crust from Domino’s collide in your mouth, you’re going to immediately delete Pizza Hut’s number from your phone… even though most of the ordering is done online now. Whatever.

GRAND PIZZA CHAMPION: DOMINO’S