He’s platinum blonde, and I’m natural dirty blonde. He’s covered in ink, I’m dotted with freckles. He rides for pulled pork, while I stand firmly in the brisket camp. He’s in Chico, I’m in New York. He drives hot rods, and I collect Hot Wheels. Physical differences, geographic distances, and personal tastes asides, these hurdles don’t get in the way between me and my dad, Guy Fieri.

We're not blood-related, of course—he's more a spiritual father, embodying the deeply familiar aura of "DADditude," punny wisecracks, and confidence derived from a fleet of dope mid-life-crisis muscle cars. But I wouldn't be the first to exaggerate my relationship with him either—on Twitter, you'll find a growing contingent of "lost sons and daughters," claiming Guy Fieri as a father figure. It's wishful thinking, but it sure felt like reality after our hearty embrace and his reassuring pat on the back during a press event celebrating his new BBQ-cruise collaboration, Pig & Anchor, with Carnival Cruise Line. 

As I prepared for my fateful first meeting with Fieri, there were so many thoughts swirling in my head—I didn't want to squander my time with the Triple-D Gawd. After all, when life presents you with problems, where do you turn to? Dad. In the precious seven minutes and 43 seconds allotted to me, this was a chance to ask Fieri the questions that divide our nation—Cholula or Tapatio, Drake or Joe Budden, Shake Shack or In-N-Out?   

In that time, I learned he’s not only a basketball prophet—predicting the eventual signing of Kevin Durant to the Warriors, and maybe even helping the cause with a few key texts—but also that Fieri, despite his show's name, truly does have a preference when it comes to diners, drive-ins, and dives. 

Fieri says: Pulled pork. Not even a question.

Fieri says: I love Danny Meyer, but In-N-Out. Danny's the machine, Shake Shack's phenomenal, but there's something about growing up around In-N-Out.

Fieri says: Drive-ins.

Fieri says: Dives all day! [Laughs.]

Fieri says: Unfair! [Long pause.] I can say it without being guilty because he's now a Warrior: KD. It's not an easy decision, and should have just as well not said anything. Steph is phenomenal. KD is phenomenal. They both have their uniqueness about them. Maybe I'm in the KD moment now because he's coming to the team. I never...well, I shouldn't say I never thought it would happen. I remember telling his agent during the Playoffs, "I know he's coming up, you've gotta get him to Golden State."

First We Feast: Wait a second—you predicted it would happen?

Fieri says: You can ask his agent, I said it to him during the Playoffs. I even have the text. I said, "It's coming up, I want him, you gotta bring him." And he was laughing—yeah, yeah, yeah—and he blew me off. [Then later on] I was away from my cell phone, out on the boat, and I was able to get a signal. In came a note from my buddy: "KD GS," and I went arghhhhhh! I went and woke up the kids.

Fieri says: Drake! 

First We Feast: Do you not like Joe Budden?

Fieri says: No, I'm in Drake's song!

Fieri says: Flops.

First We Feast: Even if the Crocs were orange?

Fieri says: Nah, that's Mario Batali's game. He owns that.

Fieri says: Thin all day. If you go to Chicago, Vito and Nick's.

Fieri says: Shoestring!

First We Feast: Now, just to be clear, I'm not talking about potato wedges here.

Fieri says: I know, I know. It's all about crunchification.

Fieri says: Hickory.

Fieri says: Seinfeld. Love Larry David, though. Funny guy.

First We Feast: I'm a big Seinfeld fan, and I will say later on when LD left, at least for me, the quality of the show went down.

Fieri says: Here's the funny thing—I never saw one Seinfeld episode until it was off the air. So the first Seinfeld I saw was the last [episode]. I catered an event for a radio station at a movie theater that was playing the last one, and I remember thinking, "Fuck! This is what I've been missing?" I worked every night in the restaurant business, [so] I didn't watch TV.

Woman next to Fieri: The last one was the worst [episode]!

Fieri says: It was funnier than shit for me! I'm watching all these people and the Elaine dance. [Laughs.]

Fieri says: Chick-fil-A.

First We Feast: You think they have a better biscuit than Bojangles'?

Fieri says: I'm not a biscuit guy. If I'm gonna waste a carb, I'm going for sourdough toast. I wasn't raised on biscuits.

Fieri says: [Quietly] I've never [coughs]...I've never been to a [coughs] a Waffle House.

Fieri says: Fire.

Fieri says: [Breathes in heavily.] Let's go, Justin, right now. Those are fighting words. Cholula. It would've been Tapatio for the last 40 years, but I was just up in my cabin, and I brought some Cholula with me. Maybe it's the wooden knob top. I had it—and I eat hot sauce on everything—and I thought this is a really good, creamy, not-too-thin [sauce]. Now we have some other mixing words if we talk about Crystal or Tabasco....