Few institutions are more synonymous with life in the five boroughs than the bodega. Though the definition of New York's some 12,000 corner stores may differ depending on who you ask—part convenience store, part grocery store, part liquor store, and so on—the bodega has evolved into a central hangout for each of the city's neighborhoods. From Brooklyn to the Bronx, the stores exist as cramped, enigmatic marketplaces where one can find everything from cigarettes and malt liquor, to cleaning supplies and diapers, to do-rags and sandwiches, all under the same roof. 

"I was at the bodega the other day, and they were having this argument about why ISIS isn’t in Jamaica," Desus Nice tells me. We're sitting in an office overlooking Times Square, where he and his partner, the Kid Mero, are busy working on ideas for the MTV shows Uncommon Sense and Joking Off. "Somebody was like, 'Well they can’t take over Jamaica, but if a Jamaican was going to join ISIS, he would be the hardest working terrorist.' And I was just like, 'This is the podcast.' Just random; just out there."

Though the Bronx Bullies have come a long way from the bodega—first breaking out with their Complex podcast and web series, Desus vs. Mero—the duo prides itself on maintaining a brand of comedy that feels uniquely born Uptown. Last year, Desus and Mero launched a new podcast, the aptly titled Bodega Boys, and over the last several months the show has taken on the feel and candor of two New Yorkers standing under a brightly colored bodega awning talking shit. 

"The bodega is pretty much the heart of the hood, so we’re giving you that feeling," Desus says. "People call it barber shop-type talk, but it’s just two dudes talking about whatever the fuck is going on in the world."

"You don’t necessarily have to be from the Bronx to understand it," he adds. "But you get that feeling of being in the Bronx."

Now, as skyrocketing rents continue to force dozens of stores to close shop, the neighborhood bodega is more important to preserve than ever. Here, to help us navigate the Vienna sausage-stacked aisle, we present the Desus and Mero guide to New York City's bodegas. 

Desus says: See, a bodega doesn’t have to sell [sandwiches.] It’s like how you have Walmart and Super Walmart. Regular Walmart just sells everything and Super Walmart sells like tires and guns. A super bodega sells sandwiches, because once a bodega starts selling sandwiches I think that makes it even bigger in the hood. I remember the bodega near me, during Hurricane Sandy, they didn’t close down. There were people in there getting sandwiches and outside the rain is going horizontally. I’m like, ‘Are you shutting down?’ And the guy’s like, ‘Why? Why would I shut down?’

Mero says: If they make sandwiches that changes the game. Before I was just coming to get one magnum, one Newport, and an Arizona. Now, I’m coming and I’m getting, like, a meal. So if they’ve got sandwiches they’re definitely making bacon, egg and cheeses in the morning. It’s wild essential. If you’re a real New Yorker, you’re eating that everyday until you’re getting cured-meat cancer. You need that in the morning.

Desus: It’s important how you say it. It’s one word: baconeggandcheese. One word. And shout out to the chopped cheese. Listen, when you’re drunk and it’s four in the morning and you get a chopped cheese, whoo!

Mero: If you get chips on the side, then you’re doing it. But you don’t even need it. You can just eat the chopped cheese, and it’s like, man, that shit will stick to your ribs.

Desus: It’s so necessary.

Mero: It’s super crucial, especially if they make sandwiches there. Because if the bodega cat is there you know the mice are not there, all up in your meat, all up in your smoked turkey. I don’t want a ham and cheese sandwich and then I look and the bread got the little nibbles. If the bodega cat is there—and if it’s a little mangy, and it’s got a fucked up eye—then you know it’s been in a war.

Desus: Bodega cats are the reincarnated souls of people killed by the NYPD. It’s true.

Mero: It’s real shit.

Desus: Print that. And the rougher the cat looks the better the food. Especially if the cat is not afraid of stuff, and the cat has free access and will just walk out and go to another store down the block. Or the cat won’t move, like you go to reach for something and the cat’s not bothered. The cat’s like, ‘Yo, reach around me. Just reach around me. I’m not moving. I’m here all day.’

 

Photo: Steve Snodgrass/Flickr

Mero: You can get clothing at a bodega. I could go down there, get some boxer-briefs and tube socks, you know what I’m sayin’? I don’t even gotta do laundry. I go down and get a sandwich, there’s gallons of water down there. I’m good. I’m super good. There’s a cat down there if shit gets really rough.

Desus: You could live off of bodega food for, like, a dollar a day. You just eat a Star Crunch, maybe some Vienna sausages. Not necessarily the healthiest diet, you’re probably going to die of diabetes, but…

Mero: Bodegas are also super easy to steal from. If you’re really hard-up dog and you’re like, ‘Yo, I need a 22-ounce malt beverage right now and I do not got it,’ you can just go down there and just throw it down the leg.

Desus: The owner might have a photo of them holding a gold-plated AK from the civil war they left to come run a bodega. That’s key.

Mero: If it’s a Dominican dude, the Dominican guy always has a picture of the M3 BMW back in DR, like, ‘Yo, I’m out here stuntin.’ And the first dollar bill he ever made signed by, like, Omega.

Desus: Gotta have some bulletproof glass in there. If it’s a newer bodega it might not have it, but shoutout to the old school ones that have the spin-around windows.

Mero: That’s the old-school shit that a lot of motherfuckers don’t know about, where it’s 24-hours, but you can’t go into the store. But, if you’ve got the juice and you’re from the block and you know Papi, he’ll open the door.

Desus: If you don’t have that then you have to just describe what you want.

Mero: I’m like, ‘Yo let me get a Snickers,’ and he comes back with a Milky Way and I’m like, ‘Eh, good enough.’ But yo, if he let’s you in there and you’ve got the juice, it’s like fucking Kylie Jenner at Nordstrom, dog. It’s amazing. You feel like a hood celebrity.

Photo: Mike Mozart/Flickr

Desus: Vienna sausages. That’s a big bachelor food staple. When your girl comes over you can make spaghetti and cut up the Vienna sausage. You put it in and you think it’s going to be impressive to her and she’s just going to be silently crying.

Mero: If you pan-sear them it low-key looks impressive, dog. When you get the little burn marks on it, you can front like you’re doing something official, you know what I mean. Also people don’t even know this, but Bronx babies are raised on Vienna sausage juice. They mix it in with our breast milk, that’s why we’re so strong. [Also] the Lil Debbie rack. There’s a Lil Debbie rack that’s got the Star Crunch.

Desus: The crackhead snacks. The apple pies. The Ho Ho’s. You’ve got the big bag of sunflower seeds for a dollar. You’ve got the chick-o-sticks, those are popular.

Mero: The 25-cent-ice-cream sandwiches. You dig in the freezer all the way to the bottom and they look corroded.

Desus: Italian ices. You’ve gotta have that. What else is quintessential. You’ve got the durag in there. Tropical fantasies. Arizona Iced Teas. They’ve gotta be 99 cents. If they’re charging more than that you call Obama.

Desus: Shout out to bodegas that are trying to get healthy, but ain’t really healthy and might have a couple apples by the register, some hard-boiled eggs.

Mero: You know white people are moving to the hood when they put the little rack on the counter with the vegan snacks.

Desus: Before, we just had the hood sandwiches—it was like turkey, whatever—and now they came back and it’s like, ‘Yo, would you like the Lou Gehrig, would you like the Derek Jeter?’ I’m like, ‘What the hell? Can I get a chopped cheese?’And they were like, ‘Oh, you want the Phil Rizzuto?’ I’m like, ‘alright, fine.’ You’ve got the Bernie Sanders sandwich now.

Mero: Bodega owners, at the end of the day, they’re all hustlers. A lot of them are immigrants, they came to this country to get paid. So they’re like, ‘Yo, whoever’s in the hood, I’m gonna cater to them.’...He’s like, ‘Yo if Tim and Eric want these vegan snacks, I gotta get them so they’re spending their Tim and Eric dollars.’

Desus: Bodegas have never had to advertise. It was always like, ‘Yo, if you need something I’m here. You’re gonna eventually come to me.’ And people moving into the community might not necessarily know. They might be like, ‘Oh, well maybe I’ll go to the Home Depot on 23rd Street when I go to work. So the people at bodegas wanna be like, ‘No, you can come here and grab stuff.’

Mero: Rents are getting crazy. They’re not bringing in the customers, because people who are moving to the hood that don’t know the hood don’t know that you can literally go there and get anything. They’re getting on the train and going 20 stops when they could walk downstairs and get it. They might pay 20 cents extra for it, but you’re helping Papi out and you’re keeping the lights on. So you’re doing something noble.

Photo: Jason Eppink/Flickr

Desus: I like it where I’m up at. You’ll have like three on one block. Up on White Plains Road, up there in the northeast Bronx, right on the border between Mount Vernon and the Bronx. And even up in Mount Vernon there’s a lot of old-school bodegas. ‘Cause up there, the median income is not that much, so everyone shops at the bodega for stuff. A lot of people up there do not leave the Bronx—ever—unless you gotta go to court or something. So their whole existence is just in a ten-block radius.

Mero: To me, it’s Kingsbridge in the Bronx. Kingsbridge Road and like Jerome, University, that little area. I used to live on 197th and I know a lot of dudes in the area—the bodega owners in the area—and they’re still there. They make my sandwich and you don’t gotta tell them how to do it.

Mero: It’s a tragedy man. It’s the equivalent of somebody in middle American going to a Target, you know what I mean? If you’re from fucking a suburb of Illinois or fucking North Dakota, Target is Target. It’s like that for us, for New Yorkers. I could go to Brooklyn and sit in front of a bodega and feel like I’m in front of my building. It’s just a very quintessential New York thing that makes you feel at home. So if you take that away, this shit is going to be a fucking playground for billionaires.

Desus: A bodega is like the spice of New York, the adobo. It’s what gives your little neighborhood character. And it’s also part of your whole New York experience because when you feel comfortable in your neighborhood is when the guy in the store knows you when you walk in and you get that little head nod. He’s like, ‘Ay, I got you,’ you know? Also that’s where you get everything. If you need a light bulb at 3am you could go there. You get tuna fish. You get motor oil for your car. It’s all there.