For me, the NCAA basketball tournament is like Christmas meets the Super Bowl meets my birthday—spread out over two weeks and minus any annoying relatives. And though I (unfortunately) don’t have a dog in the fight this year—damn you, Fab Melo—I’m still guaranteed be incommunicado from the “real” world for the entirety of March Madness, plopped in front of numerous TVs, laptop screens, and iPads, watching each and every game like it’s all that matters. Because it’s pretty much all that does.
Yet, during those scant moments I’m not monitoring the games; I’m going to be monitoring my appetite and increasing drunkenness. The NCAA doesn’t allow beer to be served at it’s sanctioned sporting events, so if you’re attending any of this year’s games, you’re going to have to get blotto solely on food. Luckily, some of the most insane foods in the world are currently being served at American sporting stadiums and arenas.
In honor of the basketball Bacchanalia known as March Madness, let’s celebrate the most gratuitous sports foods in the country.
StrasBurger
Nationals Park (Washington, DC)
Although a burger is not “insane” per se, when you hear the StrasBurger’s vital statistics, your jaw will drop. Named after the Nationals’ oft-injured starting pitcher Stephen Strasburg, this ground brisket, chuck, and short-rib behemoth weighs eight solid pounds, has nearly 10,000 calories and 700 grams of fat, and costs $59. That’s actually kind of cheap for stadium food, especially considering that you’re getting a cone of fries and a pitcher of soda tossed in gratis! (Photo: WJLA)
Tillamook Mac ‘n’ Cheese Dog
Providence Park (Portland, OR)
Portland’s Moda Center (formerly the Rose Garden) hosted first and second-round games this year, but the city’s craziest stadium food is actually across the Willamette River at Providence Park, where the MLS’s Portland Timbers play. Inspired by the city’s thriving food-cart culture, the stadium has a slew of interesting Franken-creations, perhaps none more so than a local Zenner’s quarter-pound hot dog smothered in a special “house recipe” Tillamook mac ‘n’ cheese. That’s paleo, right? (Photo: Yelp)
The Krispy Kreme Donut Dog
Daniel S. Frawley Stadium (Wilmington, DE)
College basketball is the de facto “minor leagues” for the NBA, where the best young talent is soon to be discovered. The most up-and-coming stadium-food talent, though, surely must be making its mark at America’s minor league baseball parks—like the home of the Wilmington Blue Rocks, which is set to unveil this insane monstrosity next season. Like the “Luther” for tubed meat, this sweet-and-savory offering features a split Krispy Kreme donut filled with a hot dog, raspberry jelly, and chunks of bacon. (Photo: CW33)
The Funnel Dog
Arvest Ballpark (Springdale, AR)
Minor league baseball fans must love dessert –sausage concoctions, as the Northwest Arkansas Naturals’ home park features one as well. Similar to your typical corndog, the Funnel Dog dunks a hot dog in funnel cake batter before deep frying it and then dusting it with powdered sugar. But does it come with a dipping sauce? (Photo: Pinterest)
Seafood Nachos
The Superdome (New Orleans, LA)
Nachos are quintessential stadium food. But too often all you get is a bag of stale corn chips dumped into a plastic tin and then slathered with a few pumps of road cone-orange nacho cheese. That’s not the case at New Orleans’ Superdome, the home of the New Orleans Saints and the historic host of five Final Fours. This Creole-inspired nacho dish features cumin-dusted tortilla chips topped with shrimp, scallops, and crawfish covered in a creamy queso sauce. (Photo courtesy Centerplate food services)
Roast Beef and Gravy Fries
Smoothie King Center (New Orleans, LA)
It’s perhaps no surprise that one of this country’s most iconic food cities should have multiple unique offerings at its sporting arenas. Just across the street from The Superdome, the NBA’s Pelicans play in an arena with some equally insane culinary offerings. The highlight is these crispy waffle fries smothered in brown gravy and topped with roast beef “debris” (their term, not mine). (Photo courtesy Centerplate food services)
BBQ Pulled Jackfruit Sandwich
Levi’s Stadium (Santa Clara, CA)
Nowadays, it’s not just meat-tastic and cheese-tastic options when you want to gorge at halftime. Okay, it mostly is—this is America, dammit!—but some of our more urbane stadiums have some equally insane vegan options. For instance Levi’s Stadium, the home of the NFL’s 49ers, where Chef Ryan Stone’s spicy, all-veggie take on your typical pulled pork is a fitting substitute. Who even knew you could “pull” jackfruit? Heck, who even knows what exactly jackfruit is?! Insane! (Photo courtesy Centerplate food services)
Choomongous
Ballpark in Arlington (Arlington, TX)
Everything is bigger in Texas, so it’s no surprise that the Texas Rangers’ concessionaires give us a new insanity each year—all inspired by a current player. There’s been a Yu Dog, a seaweed covered hot dog made in honor of Japanese pitcher Yu Darvish. There was the popular “Texas-sized” 24-inch Murph-A-Dilla served for a couple of years before utility man Daniel Murphy was shipped to Cleveland. And now there’s Choomongous, a—no surprise—humongous two-foot-long Asian-spiced beef sandwich covered in Sriracha slaw to honor South Korean outfielder Shin-Soo Choo. (Photo courtesy Centerplate food services)
The Double Fried Twinkie
FedEx Forum (Memphis, TN)
The NBA’s Grizzlies actually have a “State Fair” concession stand at their arena, and yes, it serves the kind of deep-fried craziness you typically only expect to indulge in when toothless carnies are present. There’s your expected corn dogs and jumbo pretzels, but the real gut-busting highlight is this insane indulgence—a Twinkie fried in funnel-cake batter and then drizzled with caramel sauce and other sugary options if for some reason it’s not quite sweet enough for you as-is. You should maybe get some blood work done afterwards. (Photo: Twitter)
Slow-Roasted Homestyle Pot Roast Sandwich
Lucas Oil Stadium (Houston, TX)
For our final stop, we’ll visit Lucas Oil Stadium, host of this year’s Final Four and the championship game. You won’t find nachos in helmets, hot dogs wrapped in desserts, or even burgers so big that you need a buddy in a weight belt to spot you. What you will find, though, are a few insanely delicious and unique offerings—none tastier than a gigantic honey kaiser roll filled with a pile of slow-roasted pot roast. The days of getting by at the stadium on just peanuts and Cracker Jacks are over, friends, and we’re all the fatter better for it. (Photo: Bob Evans)