Coffee has changed, man. There was a time when “black and hot” was a perfectly acceptable way to order your morning cup of brew. Today you’re expected to know what a “Pacamara” is and have an opinion on Ethiopian foreign export policy before a barista will even look you in the eye. I know: Your $1.50 cup from 7-ELEVEN is JUST FINE thankyouverymuch, and why do The Hipsters have to co-opt something that Dunkin’ already perfected in 1950, anyway? Isn’t it enough that we’re all drinking nano-brewed beer and memorizing heirloom tomato varieties?

I get it, I do. Change is hard, and coffee snobs are insufferable dicks. But the hard truth is that the rest of the food world is finally starting to take coffee seriously. In the not-too-distant future, the ability to parse a coffee menu at a nice restaurant will be as essential to the urban sophisticate as a working knowledge of wine, or how to order a martini. Your choice is to be a bit of an insufferable dick now, or look like a rube in front of your date in five years. So buckle up your messenger bag as we take you from Joe schmo to Joe pro in ten simple step.

Written by Ruth Brown (@rbbrown)